Go on to any search engine and type in the words ‘how to get what’ and you’re likely to see this old gem pop us as a suggestion: how to get what you want in bed. For it to be in the top three recommendations, it just goes to show that we still aren’t getting the best out of sex.
That’s sad, because sex is the most natural thing in the world. It’s how you’re here. It’s how I’m here. And it’s the reason the human race is going to continue to thrive. But of all the topics we homo sapiens have to stress about these days, sex remains one of the most difficult conversations on the menu. So many of us don’t like to talk about it, not even with the folk we have it with. We need certain things, but too often we don’t get them because we don’t know how to ask for them.
Do you know what turns you on? Are you well versed in what kinds of tickles and touches take you from zero to OH? If not, your first step to get what you want in bed is to discover what revs your engines. It doesn’t matter if your sexual partner is a brief encounter or a long-term lover. If you don’t know what makes your clock tick, how is anyone else supposed to figure it out?
Learning what turns you on, learning what touches you do and don’t like gives you the foundations for a better sex life. And how do you do that? Masturbation. No matter what religions, governments or anyone else tells you, masturbation isn’t a dirty word. It won’t make you go blind, and you won’t go to hell.
What masturbation is, is the key to discovering what your body needs. Only when you know that can you effectively help your sex partner to give you what you want in bed.
So, you know what does it for you. You’ve spent some quality time with your body, and you know what touches you like. Some of them may be the sweetest of vanilla kisses, and others might be the harshest of smacks. And not necessarily with the palm of a hand.
Verbal cues are one of the best ways to let your partner know when they’re doing something right. Those cues don’t even need to contain words, which is a good thing because not everyone is comfortable with – or even likes to hear – dirty talk.
But many people like the sounds of sex. They like the moaning and the panting, and not just because it’s hot. The sounds you make give your partner a bit of instant feedback to their actions, and everyone likes to know that they’re making their partner feel good.
So, if they’re rubbing your clitoris and suddenly do something new that really works for you, moan to let them know. If they’re stroking your penis and their faster than usual pace is something you love, a whispered ‘that’s gonna make me come’ will ensure they don’t switch their technique and chase away your approaching orgasm.
Sometimes, verbal cues like moaning and whispering don’t cut the mustard. Your partner might not have the best hearing, or they might not take subtle hints very well. If you’re okay with talking during sex, now would be a good time. Saying things like, ‘I like it when you do this’ or ‘it feels so good when you do that’ gets across what you want in a positive way. Your partner is less likely to feel that they’ve been doing you wrong if you big them up when they do something right.
But, what if your partner is yet to do anything right at all?
You take them by the hand and show them. Do you like their mouth on your throat or your chest? Take them gently (or roughly, of that’s their thing) by the hair and guide them to your hotspots. Once you have them where you want them, short directions like ‘bite me’ or ‘lick it’ get those pleasure points the kind of stimulation they need.
Is your partner’s hand game lacking? Grab their wrist and show them how to rub, touch or stroke you. Adjust their grip, their speed. Guide an extra finger inside of you if that’s what you like, or even take one out if you need to. Taking this kind of control works just as well for the over-enthusiastic partner as it does for the shy one, and it’s a sure-fire way of making certain that you get what you want in bed.
Keep in mind that, however you choose to do it, you are your partner’s best teacher, because nobody knows your body as well as you do. Only you know that nibbling the little crease of your elbow gets you more excited than a bite on your nipple ever could. Only you know that sucking your big toe is your idea of a dream blow job, penis be damned. In a nutshell, the best way to get what you want in bed is to ask for it, with sighs, words, and actions.
When you decide to take control to get what you want in bed, you should always remain mindful of your partner’s limits. For example: if you want nothing more than a good anal fingering, but they pull away when you try to slip one of their digits in you, don’t force the issue.
Coercion is not and never will be sexy.
Accept that they’re not down with whatever it is they’ve shied away from, and be content in the knowledge that you’ve taken the leap and expressed your interest. They’ll likely think about it, and if they decide it floats their boat they might well let you know next time. If not, you could always consider introducing a few sex toys at some stage…